#1) To the mutant parents who brought their roly-poly adult child to see Monster House last night -- YOU SUCK! Why, when you could choose pretty much any seat in the entire theater, did you choose to park behind me and my children? (who, by the way, are the appropriate age to be seeing a children's film. Unlike your man-child.) And why, when you're so fat that you can't sit down without pulling on the back of my headrest so hard that I am reclined against my will, don't you BUY A SMALL POPCORN and SKIP THE NACHOS? And tell me I didn't just hear your white-trash husband burp out loud -- twice. Tell me I didn't. And as for your heavy breathing, I'm sorry that I had to turn around and stare at you. Honestly, though! I thought maybe it was Paul Rubens fondling himself.
#2) To the pimple right smack in the middle of my forehead: I HATE YOU! Because no matter how good my hair might look and how perfect my makeup might be, I'm sporting a unicorn horn! I'm too old for this. You're a pus-filled bastard and I'm doing DOUBLE benzyl peroxide on your sorry ass.
#3) To the lady at the gym who finds my 12-minute mile on the treadmill so intriguing, I'm about one step away from GOUGING YOUR EYEBALLS OUT! Keep your eyes on your OWN treadmill instrument panel. YES, I've been going for 23 minutes and 20 seconds. YES, I have burned a whopping 114 calories. Yes, my heart-rate is elevated. Why is my control panel so much more interesting than yours? Huh? Why? Mind your own freakin' business!
#4) To the morons at JcPenney (yes, I'm a glutton for punishment), PAY ATTENTION! What do you see in the picture below? A pair of pants with the anti-theft device still on them. But wait -- aren't these pants ON MY COUCH? Yes, they are! You didn't remove the anti-theft device. So now I have to drive my hot and cranky self back to skanksville or wear a pair of ink-splotched cullottes! And another thing: these pants were on clearance for $5. Has the neighborhood really become so ghetto that a pair of five dollar camos are treated like a fur coat?
#5) To mother nature -- MY SHRUBS ARE SHRIVELING! That's right. SHRIVELING!!! Because you continue to spoil all of Arizona with rainstorms while leaving my particular neighborhood DRY. My backyard is dying. Dying. I hope that makes you feel sad. And selfish. Because you are. You favor the east side. The north side. Rich Scottsdale bastards. What about us inner-city folk? What did we ever do to you? Is it too much to ask for a drop or two? Geez.
That's it. I'm done. For now anyway.
8 comments:
Last night and this morning Apache Jct had the greatest rainfall in months and months. Heavy rain, soft gentle rain, downpours.........it was awesome. Have a nice day. Love Ya! Puddles,too.
My neighborhood never gets rain, either. I hate it. Other people come to work and talk about the big rain storm they received the night before and I'm like...shut up already! My grass is dead, thank you very much.
And I've had to go to B Moss on two seperate occassions because of the anti theft tag being left on my pants.
This edition of your blog really made me laugh at loud. All of them do, but I related to this one.
You can have some of the constant rain we have been getting here in Seattle, Connecticut. I do agree with you about the humidity. Try 99.99% humidity for months on end. My hair curls up so much that it looks like I am wearing a wig!
BTW, I hate everyone too! I think you knew that!
Catlover -- I hate your smelly AJ rain!
Itchy -- Dead grass in Virginia? Wow; you are bummin.
Kristine -- glad I could make you laugh. If you're hatin' Connecticut, you could always move back here. And another thing: you hate everyone? I had NOOOO idea ;-)
Like Kristine, I hate everyone, too. I gotta tell ya, I would have LOST it at the movie. Lost. it. And the unicorn horn?? Girl, I had one on my nose on Wednesday (right in the middle, on the end, thank you) that was so obnoxious, small children could have taken shade under it. And it was one of those "blind" bastards, so there was no "mercy-popping." Supposedly Mario Badescu has a lotion that's for blind zits or "cystic acne" as its known in the fascinating world of dermatology. I'm keepin' my fingers crossed.
What pants from Penney's? I don't see any in the picture.
I hate those tags. Do they really think they don't hurt the item they are attached to? I hate zits also. I am way too old and don't have any of those female organs any more that should be making that hormone stuff. By the way, for all you with big, honking zits. I just read that you crush up an aspirin and make a past with water and put it on the pimple. Now, don't go out that way, but give it a try. Let this blog know how it worked. M
Kevin's comment made me laugh louder than your blog... that was really funny
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