Statements such as, "have you seen my (enter body part here) lately honey?" and "what the hell? that wasn't there yesterday" and "honey, can you push this (enter body part here) back into place?" are some common phrases in my household now that I'm past the age of 35.
So, yeah, getting old sucks. I don't recommend it. And here are the top 10 reasons why:
1) Pubes aren't just isolated to the private parts anymore! That's right -- it's sproutin' up all over the damned place. If you're wrinkling up your nose and saying, "gross" and acting all superior right now, just stop! Because that would make you a hypocrite. Because I know and you know that you have hair growing out of nooks and crannies that haven't seen the light of day since your wild college partying days. Be honest. Have you ever heard of a breast beard? Nah, me neither.
2) Somewhere around age 32, I stopped being able to laugh, cough or do step aerobics without pissing myself. I'm the one in your aerobics class doing the dumb, half-assed one leg out to the side while the rest of you whipper snappers with tight cagles are doing jumping jacks.
3) I never saw, owned or needed a callous remover prior to age 30. But now that my heels look like this...
... I'm always having to saw it off with special sandblasters and shit. Sometimes pebbles and crumbs and woodchips get stuck in the crevices then I saw the crust down until the pebble or crumb or woodchip is liberated. The good news is I haven't needed to buy 300 grit sandpaper in years. I refinished an entire armoire with these things.
4) Why does every meal have to now be topped off with some sweets? That's such a grandma thing. "Them was some good vittles. Now, where'd I put that mince-meat pie?"
5) I used to have a lot of freckles. They were cute. I looked so youthful and fresh and huggable. Kristy McNicholish. Tatum O'Nealish. Freckles, however, with very little coaxing, will jeckyl and hyde themselves into age spots and moles. And we all know what grows out of moles.... (cross reference to issue #1).
6) Libido Schmido. I've renamed it to Nobido.
7) Should I feel my ovaries shriveling? Cause I do.
8) Two things I never had to do as a kid: sit on the pot or run quickly to the pot. So what the hell? I just want my ass to make up its mind: regular or highly irregular. Which is it, ass?
9) Yelling at neighborhood kids. One minute you're one of them, and the next minute you're standing out front waving your arms like a banshee yelling, "get your mini-bikes out of my alley you little hoodlums."
10) My ability to use the phrase "bless her little heart" in a sentence at least 10 times a day.
So, for all you youngsters out there reading this, heed my warning. Getting old is the pits.
11 comments:
The decline hits about 30 and it gets no better.
I get out of bed feeling the way that my 80 year old father looks.
Aches, pains, and general creaking are a daily event. I never understood why old people drank so damn much coffee.
At 36, I knew very well why they do.
The best part is the standing on the end of your driveway ranting at those damned kids. They are just doing the same crap we did, only now WE are the geezers screaming at them to cut it out. If you have to grow old and grow warts, then at least enjoy being the old bastard on the block, its your right.
Sigh..bless our hearts...
I think I would keep that Anne Elizabeth away from Gary's blog! Please tell me that really wasn't your heel. You obviously don't get to the sandpaper often enough. I think if read you blog about the canal carp each day I could lose a lot of weight. And, all of you are waaaay to young to talk about pain. You just don't have a clue. Wait another 30 years. Got to get back to my cane.
OK - how did you know this is what I was just getting ready to write about??? My body is falling apart too...and I'm sure it has nothing to do with the extra 40 pounds I'm packing. I have one to add to your list - lumpy bosoms. Yes, that's right. I've been told today that the giant rocks in my boobies causing so much pain the last few months are a result of my new found cystic breasts...lucky me. As the dr. so kindly pointed out, I'm radically approaching 30 and things are changing daily. Of course, if I had my ovaries removed and went thru menopause, I could make them go away. AND I'd ditch that annoying monthly cycle...tempting.
I'll not make any comment since I'm 34 and have NO idea what you are talking about. Seriously...
:)
Thomas -- you're right. We have earned that right to yell like a madwoman/man at those kids!
Kimmy -- not just 'bless our hearts' but bless our LITTLE hearts. Somehow this intensifies the geriatric quality.
Ann Elizabeth -- Thanks for posting. I, personally, am not a huge fan of erotic fiction; however, I am a big fan of the first amendment. So, feel free to post links here wherever you want. Not sure your readership will find what they're looking for here, but they may get a laugh or two :)
LC -- It was NOT my heel. But it's really difficult to find a picture of a heel like that on the Internet. I kept typing "crusty heel" and "crusted heel" and "rotten heel" and I think I finally typed "gross heel" to get that gem.
Andrea-- cystic breasts? Now is this a real ailment or one of those "in the brain" ones that you and I have spoken so much about in the past?
Itchy -- give yourself two years and you will understand :)
lc............I'm with you all the way, you young whippersnappers, quit complaining.
Vicki..speaking of things grannys do...you'll get a kick out of this:
http://www.zug.com/pranks/colon/
Is this what I have to look forward too? I am only 3 months away from turning 30. Now I may re-think my approach.
Love ya,
Ronda
catlover -- the bitchin's gotta start sometime, right? Why not at 36?
Kimmy -- that was very entertaining and reminiscient of a trip I once took to a "spa" with a friend who chose the colonic while I did the massage.
Ronda -- you already have the toe spurs. It's all downhill from there.
Can we pretend that colonic never took place, or do I have to curl back up into the fetal position again and cry?
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