You know what I hate? Elevator-riding smokers. These are the people who holler "hold the door" just when you think you're well on your way to floor #4; the people who cram their bloated up smoker's arm in between the metal doors; the people who, once their summer-sausagesque hand interrupts your ride, climb aboard and fill the (recirculating) air with a puke-a-fied Pall-Mall stench; the people who, in an unprecedented act of selfishness and disrespect, have the GALL to push the #2 button on the elevator, not only doubling your ride time but also making it extremely putridsome to stand next to you.
YOU SUCK, Elevator-riding smokers. Get some dignity. Some self-respect. Some non-blackened lungs that can haul your sausagey self up one flight of stairs! I'm going to let you in on a little secret: nobody in the elevator likes you. In fact, we all want to kill you. Or key your car. Which is probably parked in handicapped. But then again, you do have a little black lung.
For you, elevator smokers, here are the socially acceptable rules of elevator riding which I'm going to assume you've never read:
1) In a 4-story building, it is acceptable to ride to both the 3rd or 4th floor. It is more acceptable to ride to the 4th floor, because research shows that perspiration occurs when climbing three+ stories. However, some theorists argue that 3rd floor riding is also socially accepted and I tend to agree, even though I take the stairs for anything under the 4th floor.
2) It is acceptable to ride to the 2nd floor if you are crippled.
3) It is acceptable to ride to the 2nd floor if you are gigantically fat, though we co-riders would prefer that you didn't haul your greasy hashbrowns up with you.
4) For all other circumstances, it is NOT acceptable to ride the elevator to the second floor. This includes the circumstances of laziness and nicotine-induced weeziness.
So there, you little lazy-ass stinkoids.
3 comments:
I used to work in a two story building that had an elevator. Anytime it was broken down you would have thought we were on the 10th floor. It killed me to listen to the whining. Haul your fat ass up the stairs and shut up!
If a person comes into an elevator with a lit cigarette, we should all get out. Do you realize what even a small fire (like setting your pants on fire while holding their burning stick by their side)could do? Kill everyone in a matter of minutes and shut down the elevator. My claustrophobia would make me the first to die. Hold the door before it closes and ask them to either get off or lose the ciggy! We don't owe them any niceness.
Itchy -- I agree. Such laziness. Though I think I'm being a little harsh since I'm pushing the envelope on that whole "lazy fatass" thing.
Gran -- Actually, I guess I misrepresented this situation. They are not actually smoking on the elevator, but rather coming in from the smoke "hut" outside at work. And the reason it's annoying is because a) they smell of Pall Mall and b) they are causing me to stop at the 2nd floor when I wanted to ride straight to the 4th.
Okay, so maybe I'm being a little insensitive and mean-spirited on this gripe. If their little black lungs can't find the oxygen to go the one flight of stairs, then I suppose I should feel sad for them. It's just that every morning I'm late for work and every morning there's one of them running to 'catch a ride' to the second floor.
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