Kleenex Kriminals

You know what I hate? How easy it is to break the law these days. I mean, you don't have to be schlepping around sawed off shotguns or crack pipes to be in violation of the law anymore. In fact, if you've had a cold this winter, then you're most likely a criminal without even knowing it! Here is a picture of what I'm referring to:

Look at the 'Directions for Use' and note that it is indeed a violation of Federal law to use kleenexes in a manner inconsistent with their labeling. What this means is that if you do anything with this tissue other than wipe your nose, you could be LOCKED UP. Think about this the next time you're in the car and your 2-year-old gets chocolate all over his hands and the only thing you can find is your little container of tissues. Is it worth it? Do you really want your little one to have to grow up and tell his friends that his mama is in the slammer all due to the fact that she used a hankie illegally? The stigma!

I'm particularly vulnerable to this situation, because my husband is a cop. I think his allegiance is to me, but you just never know. His quotas might be low and he might see me use a paper hankie to rescue an injured cricket, and he might just whip those handcuffs out and haul me in.

Since when do hankie companies get to make federal laws? I think it's time to boycott Kleenex! And while I'm on this rant, I'll pay $1,000 (in Monopoly dollars) to anyone who can make sense of the sentence that is written on the package next to the red letter "B" in the photo. It contains so many (tons and tons) parentheses (the little things you're seeing here) that you (reader) get all confused (bewildered) and then the end of the sentence comes (finally) and it has some misplaced modifer that makes no sense within the tissue in 15 minutes.

Last, apparently, I've been storing my tissues incorrectly. Store in a dry place, the package says. Dammit! Is that why each time I take them down from the rain gutter where I've been storing them, they have formed into a gooey paste? I'll know better next time. Thank goodness for those handy directions!