You know what I hate? Academia. Even saying that word makes me feel like I'm trying to act smart. It's so pretentious. I prefer the term "school" or "a place to get some smarts."
As many of you know, I've decided to go back to school and get a Master's degree so I can be an elementary school teacher. I hadn't stepped foot on a college campus for the past 13 years....until Wednesday night. A lot has changed. And not necessarily for the good. My main observation: when did everyone get so dang dumb? Honestly, people. You are retarded. God help the youth of tomorrow if you people are going to be teaching them.
Where to start, where to start. Whoa, nelly. Here we go...
First of all, did you know that Granny Clampett is still alive? Yeah, she is. I know because she's in my class. You thought she was old in her Beverly Hillbillies days -- you should see her now! She needs to have everything repeated twice. She takes notes at a speed of 1/10th the time I take notes. And, she can't see a damned thing. Thus, the instructor reads lengthy URL's to her, letter-by-letter! Poor Granny. Shame on Jethro and Jed for spending all of the Clampett fortune and leaving Granny with no other option than to turn to a career of teaching. Greedy boys.
There is also a poor 40-something year old woman in our class who, bless her heart, has been living in a cave for the past 20 years. I know, huh? How horrible. How horrible that she not only hasn't changed her hair since emerging from the cave, but that she also completely missed out on the roll-out of the Personal Computer! "What's Powerpoint?" "I've never cut and pasted; how do you do that?" and "Could you show me how to log into our student website one hundred more times?" were some common phrases coming out of this poor soul's mouth. Twenty years is a long time to have been in a cave. I'm not sure if she'll be able to come up to speed within the 2 years of this program -- at least before someone in the class kills her.
Imagine my surprise when entering the class to find that there were 23 women and only 2 men. Shocking! And then one of the two men told us his name: "Bible Boy." Okay, that wasn't really his name but it may as well have been. He loves the Lord. Okay. We get it. Move on. No, but really, he loves the Lord. Like, really, really, really loves the Lord. Yeah, okay. But let's get a start on our assignment, okay? But you don't understand: he LOVES THE LORD. What the hell is wrong with you people? HE LOVES THE LORD. HE LOVES THE LORD. HE LOVES THE LORD. He even proudly stated that he was able to put personal differences aside to read Steven Covey's "Seven Habits of Successful People" book. I didn't know what this had to do with the Lord, but then Bible Boy clarified it for me. STEVEN COVEY IS A MORMON. A MORMON I TELL YOU. And Bible Boy still managed to read his book. What a good Bible Boy. Jesus loves you, Bible Boy.
Then there was the instructor. He was really and truly a nice guy. And he seemed to pretty much know what he was talking about. But dude, 'Boolean' is pronounced "Boo-lee-in" not "Boleen." Come on. You have a PhD. And you're like the superintendent of a hundred slummy schools in the hood. We should know these things. We doctors. I can't help but say I'm a bit ashamed. But I'm willing to let it slide cause you let us out 15 minutes early. Thank you.
I can't end this post without admitting my own college shortcomings. As I said, it's been awhile. So, when doing a "skill inventory" for our Learning Team (Learning Team = retarded concept that everyone should work on homework together), I asked, "Who's good at doing library research." I received a lot blank stares. Girl who just graduated (possibly young enough to be my offspring) says, "Oh. I've never been to the library. Not once." Apparently, all research is now done online. I found myself wondering what inhabits the huge underground "library" on ASU's main campus. The one that I had to lug my shit down into for each research paper during the '90s. The one that I sat in front of many a microfilm machines twisting two knobs in random patters until my page appeared. The one whose bound-up old magazines I had to locate and blow the dust off of just to get a reference. What is in that building now? I want to know. Spin classes? A Starbucks? An oxygen bar? Does anyone reading this go to ASU?
Despite it all, I'm really excited about college. I mean, how many people can say they know a cavegirl, Granny Clampett and a real, live Bible Boy?
10 comments:
I'm glad your first day at Masters School went okay...remember to be nice and share, no pushing or hitting on the playground. We're proud of you.
very funny. i guess you won't be telling your new school buddies about your blog, at least till after the class is done.
Catlover -- pushing and hitting? That's sissy business. I go straight for the throat.
Marc -- Funny you mention that. The thought crossed my mind. I, in my infinite self-absortion, started thinking "what if my classmates google me and find this?" Then I realized they'd probably spell my name wrong anyway. Idiots.
No, you misunderstood him - Bolean is the name of the girl who has never been to the library, rhymes with Jolene- in fact, they're second cuzzins. Boolean is the way she likes her beans, as in hot bubbling water.
Girl, this is why they invented online courses. It's not too late. Save yourself!
Cynthia -- love the boiling beans reference!
Online classes are even worse. I took one of those. I had to email three retards a day to prove I was "participating." I hated it. Like I hate most everything.
Take it from a teacher, going back to school for your Masters is crazy crap.
The professors are all retards who have never seen the inside of a public school classroom and the students are usually duds as well.
Looks like we are actually washing out a former NASA employee at my school. It was too hard on them.
Well, hell, you can't save the public schools if you don't have a brain.
Good luck on the teaching thing
Thomas -- thanks for the insight. Yes, I'm finding that 'retard' fits the bill pretty well. I pity those children. PITY THEM.
Hey, that Cynthia is pretty funny. She should have a blog. I think Catlover is right that you need to practice kindergarten behaviors - that is what they will understand. It doesn't seem that you told about your tuff style the first night of school how you cried in the bathroom. That is like kindergarten isn't it? We are proud of you and just think that you will be a jewel in the teaching world! Love you, M
Tolerant, open-minded, and patient. You clearly have all the prerequisites of being a great teacher. Yeah, right. With those attitudes, you have no business stepping anywhere near a classroom. Shame on you.
I've got a graduate degree and I'm in my 40's but recently went back to school to take a college-level Spanish course because I have to learn Spanish for my job. I agree... it appears people have gotten dumber over the past 10 to 20 years. In between the first and second class I studied the vocabulary words we were given until I knew them by heart. During the second class we were reviewing what we had done in the first class, and the girl sitting next to me asked "how do you *know* all of the words!?". Ummm.... it's a little something I call "studying".
And don't pay attention to the catty comments of "anonymous". You can teach my kids any time. It is refreshing to have someone tell it like it is.
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