I've loved the Cracker Jax in my past. They've been good to me. Cheered me up when I was low. Comforted me when I was lonely. When Fiddle Faddle came in and tried to monopolize the candy-coated popcorn market, I'd have none of it! Because the Cracker Jax was yummy. And it was a snack with a toy "surprise" in every box. That, in my book, is called a Happy Meal. And what kid wouldn't commit to a life of loyalty to the brand that tosses a toy in every box?
But my love affair is dwindling. My loyalty sharply waning. Why? It's all because of that damned little toy "surprise."
Let me just premise this rant with this observation: Lately, the "surprise" is finding a peanut in the box! It used to be that you'd get at least a nut in every bite. And then, once you got to the bottom of the box…two words: peanut frenzy. Cuz peanuts like to lay low. I respect that. In fact, this low-laying theory introduced me to my first scientific principle: Things in motion tend to stay in motion; things that are really tasty but heavy tend to fall to the bottom of the box, so go ahead and open that effer up from the wrong end. Or something to that effect. I haven’t been to school for 15 years, so I don’t remember it exactly.
But the chinziness with the nuts is actually the least of my worries. What really, really concerns me is the caliber of “surprise” that they’re passing off as “fun” lately.
I’ll admit it – I get an increased pulse when I open a box of the Cracker Jax, bottom’s up, and rattle my hand around until I feel the little square “surprise”. I’m thinkin’…tattoo, sticker, tiny coloring book, maybe something involving harmless dyes and my tongue. I’m pretty easy going.
But then I tear the perforations off and find this bitch?!?
First of all, never heard of this dude. What century is he supposedly from? Secondly, I am a girl. I don’t like sports or the guys who play them. B-O-R-I-N-G. Thirdly, you expect me to read a bio in the name of “fun” and “toy” and “surprise”? Since when did reading become fun? I missed that memo.
And check out the front of the “surprise.”
Collector’s Item? Really? So, like, in 100 years, my great-great grandchildren can book their flight to the Smithsonian and cash in on ma-maw’s mint-condition baseball bio? Sweet! I’m gonna go ahead and spend the inheritance I’ve been saving up. Clearly, they won’t need it.
6 comments:
Yeah, Cracker Jacks....My favorite prize was the little magnifying glass,of course that was a half century ago, I'm sorry things have sunk so low. I guess the "olden" days weren't all bad.
Mmmm...fiddle faddle...forgot all about that!
That is the lamest surprise I have ever seen.
There's also Rosencruch and Guildenpop at Trader Joes, another knockoff, I've never tried. The ironic thing is that peanuts are usually the cheap item, like when you see mixed nuts brag about how few peanuts they contain. I wonder if your collector card will be worth less if it smells like caramel. Loved the Physics Theorem joke.
Catlover -- I vaguely remember a plastic magnifying glass from my ancient past (now that you mention it). Of course, back when you were little, it probably wasn't plastic. Maybe made from dinosaur bones or something? he he he
Andrea -- Fiddle Faddle is THE ENEMY. Though they do make a variety with Heath Bar mixed in. Not that I've tried it and loved it or anything.
Tony -- I know, huh? It's like buying more raisins for the Raisin Bran. Just doesn't work.
Itchy -- Tell me about it. I tried licking the guy's face to see if I could perhaps turn him into a tatoo, but he's being a stubborn bastard.
Marc -- I know. Peanuts are certainly at the bottom of the nut family food chain (they're like the drunk uncle who lives in a trailer in Alabama), so why can't they splurge a little? IT's senseless.
we could have been great friends as kids b/c i hated the peanuts and always gave them to my brother, even tho i didn't like him much either. ;-)
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