Lemonade Stands

You know what I hate? Lemonade stands. Lemonade stands are the kid version of Amway. You NEVER want the product, but you feel guilted into BUYING the product. The other day, I was driving home from work after a long exhausting day. I was a block away from home when I saw her: a cute little 8 or 9 year old girl selling lemonade. A pathetic little sign. No price listed anywhere. I kept on driving, but she was waving and smiling as I passed and my conscience just wouldn't let me get that extra 200 feet into my driveway.

So I turned around. And got out of the car. It's about 8000 degrees at this point in Phoenix and I am wearing polyester work pants. No sweat-wicking taking place "down there;" it's all just pooling up in my undies. And my high-heeled work shoes, which I removed when my first buttcheek hit upholstery in my car, have to be crammed back onto my bloated up feet, which, by the way, is about as fun as putting a shoe on a polly pocket. So I hobble over to her, feign a smile, and hand her a dollar. I am offered no change, and even though I intended to give her the full dollar, I would have expected her to tell me the lemonade is only 25cents, at which point I will look like a really generous tipper. Instead, I just give her dollar and she is probably left thinking, "no tip, you fat-footed cheapskate?"

So I hobble back to the car and get in and flash the girl a little wave. Then, in my infinite pre-occupation with thinking people are going to get their feelings hurt, I take a little sip of my lemonade so she can see me do it. And it's fucking disgusting. All hot. Wrong ratio of powder to water. Germ-laden I am sure. Probably mixed it with her mono-laced forearm and fingers. But I drive home and at least I am guilt-free and I can cross "civic duty" off my list for awhile.

Then the next day, I am driving home and...


I don't think I need to tell you who's standing out there. AGAIN. Now I gotta find a new route home? This is getting bullshitty.


Here's a little public service announcement to you parents who think it's "cute" or "educational" for your kids to make lemonade stands: STOP IT! Nobody wants your kids' ringworm-laced, watered down lemonade. Parents always make the excuse, "it teaches them about free enterprise." Wrong! It teaches them about hand-outs and charity. And the spread of disease.


My kids know that there are no lemonade stands or sidewalk "toy" sales allowed in our household. It's annoying to me and I am their mother. Once, my sister's kids were over and they all made a bunch of "artwork" (read: ugly scribbles on paper). They wanted to sell them. We adamantly told them "no," but they talked us into letting them stand at the end of the driveway and give them away to people who were out for a walk. Even that seemed to annoy the shit out of the old people who came by. I could see the look on their faces, "great, now I gotta carry this dumb thing around for the rest of my walk?"


Nobody wants your kids' artwork. Or their lukewarm Country Time. Or their licey, used toys. Bring them inside and plop them in front of the television like real parents.