Don't Be Afraid of Me

You know what I hate? The fear that people have of “me.” Not me, as in Vicki Stockton, though I am quite frightening at times, but rather the “me” as in “me, myself and I.” I can’t say I necessarily blame people for the fear of me. It’s kind of instilled while we are young.

Me: “Dad, can me and Missy go skating around the neighborhood?”

Dad: “It’s ‘Missy and I’. Would you say “Can me go skating around the neighborhood?”

Me: “No, I suppose not. So can she…er..her and I…errr..me…errr …can we go or not?”

If it happens enough, you start to fear “me.” So as a solution, you just start saying “I” for everything. It makes you feel smart.

Me: “Dad, Missy and I would like to purchase an Encyclopedia Brittanica set. She and I are particularly interested in the letter ‘B’.”

Dad: “Great! I will tell the salesman!”

But then, somewhere along the line, perhaps in late middle school, some teacher bursts your bubble.

Me: “Funny you should ask, teacher! I do know the average lifespan of the Black-capped Lory! I looked it up in the encyclopedia that my dad bought for Missy and I.”

Teacher: “It’s ‘Missy and me.’

For a burgeoning grammarian, this particular event in life is a real buzz kill.And it's a hassle. Because now every time you have two people appearing in a sentence, you have to take one of them out of the sentence, read it over in your head, then decide upon "me" or "I." It takes some time.

Me: "Hey, friend. Wanna come over to my house for a party?"

Friend: "Who all's coming?"

Me: (in my head) Just Missy and me. Remove Missy. Just me. Does that make sense? Just me is coming? That can't be right. Let's try this. Just Missy and I? Remove Missy. Just I?  Ahhh, fuck it. "A bunch of people."

And then, when you do it right, you often end up sounding like a pretentious Brit or an 18th Century Literature professor or something.

Business Meeting: "Who was it that wrote that last action item down?"

Me: "It was I." 

Yeah, that doesn't sound douche-baggy.

This process is difficult. I'm not gonna lie. This is why I do not judge too terribly harshly when English-speaking grownups muff up their use of "me" and "I," as was the case when I received THIS in an email from a director within my organization. 

I actually laud her style.  She's just old-schoolin' it. "Me and (name)." Circa 5th grade. I gotta say I was disappointed to find that the email was not signed "LYLAS." 

I forgive this lady. Granted, she's making a bazillion dollars more than I will ever make, but her style is organic. Real. Humble. 

You want to know who I do NOT forgive? The people who use "myself" as a  find-and-replace-all for the use of "me," "I," and "myself." Lazy a-holes! 

Me: "To whom should I send this document?"

Lazy A-Hole: "Send it to myself, and carbon copy James."

Me: "Oh, OK. I didn't know who all needed to see the document."

Lazy A-Hole: "Myself, along with James, will need to see it."

Seriously, people! MUST you annoy me with these "I am stupid, but I am going to use a two syllable word in place of a one syllable word in order to trick you into believing that not only am I not stupid, but am, in fact, smarter than you are" antics? Hrrrmph! Makes me want to kill...myself...errr....me....er....I. Ahhh, fuck it. "Makes me want to kill you."