You know what I hate? Magically disappearing items. It seems that there are some household components that are simply hellbent on sprouting legs and finding a better life elsewhere. I can think of no other explanation for the fact that some items consistently turn up missing in my household.
The biggest offenders -- it's a tie -- are socks and spoons. I swear to God that every time I do a load of laundry, I find at least 4 sock widows. Where are they all going? To dance and rock out at lollaPAWlooza? To party it up with other cotton co-eds at Club PED? To feast and dine on MooSHOE Pork at the Chen Wok down the street? Seriously, WHERE ARE THEY? They're not under my bed. They're not in the kids' toyboxes. They're not behind the washing machine. They literally VANISH. Somebody, please explain.
And spoons? I used to have 'service for 8' but now I'm down to 3 spoons. (I'm talking the normal sized spoons, not the monster spoons that were designed for NBA players and Big Foot. The kind where you can basically skip the bowl and just pour your soup right into the spoon reservoir. I still have all eight of those.) Where are my spoons? And why are all the butter knives still intact? I really need a conspiracy expert to help me out here.
Other items always missing when you need them: the tie that actually comes with your robe, leaving you to bungee your pretty silk komono shut; bobby pins, which you purchase in packs of 100 and run out of every 30 days, meaning you somehow lose 3 per day which is unbelievifying considering you rarely wear bobby pins; corn on the cob holders, half of which get ground up in your garbage disposal, the other half of which join the socks and bobby pins in the great abyss leaving you to try and gingerly hold a steaming hot and greased up cob without permanently damaging your fingerprint; a pen -- any pen -- or even a pencil, crayon, highlighter -- to jot down a number when you're on the phone; the receipt for the pants that are too tight for your fat ass (though you have every other receipt for any items purchased in the past year in your bulbous wallet -- your $2.10 trip to QT, your tampons at Walgreens, your entire family's movie ticket stubs for "Cars"); and last, but not least, lip balm -- loads of lip balm (seriously, have you ever actually finished a chapstick before losing it?).
I am dying to know WHERE THESE ITEMS ARE GOING? What am I missing here? What lies beyond the world that I know? Is there some type of alternate universe where spoons and chapstick are idolized? Am I alone in experiencing this phenomenon?
7 comments:
Here is another question. How can you have 5 black socks come out of the dryer and none of them match? M
TRUST ME...........YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
Definitely not alone...I used to have several knives..now down to 3. I think they hightailed it out, kidnapped your spoons and are driving like Thelma and Louise into the wild blue yonder.
I a document recently released by the FBI under the Freedom of Information Act, it is clear that Asad Hamir, a confidant of Osama, has been taking these items from all good Americans.
If you see him in your house, do not attempt to apprehend him. He is armed and dangerous. Simply call Silent Witness.
M and M-I-L: It is a mystery, isn't it?
Kimmy -- At least our cutlery is having some fun before they drive off the cliff.
Agent Kevin: Always a pleasure to read your comments. I agree with you -- I think the items were confiscated along with my Weapons of Mass Destruction.
Once you find out whaere the spoons are, please let me know, I would like to get mine back as well.
I have actually finished a chap stick. I think since they made it a smoother formula it makes it easier these days to finish up one.
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