You know what I hate? The way my dogs insist on annoying me with phlegm-based noises all night long. The way they carry on with their slurping and sucking, you'd think they were starring in their own doggie porn video.
The most annoying factor of the slurping that takes place every night is the variety. So many noises! So few mouths! The hell?
First, there is BoeDee. He was chosen for his unadoptable qualities when he shone his ghastly underbite at me during "mutant dog adoption week" at PetsMart. He's ugly, morbidly overweight, wiry and makes more 'slurpies' than a crowded 7-11! He alternates gnawing and sucking, gnawing and sucking, much like what you might do when faced with a particularly leathery slice of beef jerky. If I need to get up for any reason during the night, I usually tread lightly, as I'm convinced one of these days I'm going to step on his bloody, detached gnaw-paw.
Then, there's Asia. She is the more sleek and attractive of the duo. Soft fur, normal girth, teeth that aren't screaming for a headgear. Her method of sucking makes me want to commit harey carey. Honestly. It's slow, deliberate, almost perverse. And its rhythm never changes: tongue rolling out, long slow slurp, tongue rolling in, repeat. Chinese water torture's got NOTHIN' in this maddening torment.
Her tedious, repetitious cacophony is sometimes punctuated by what I can describe only as "there's a flea on me so I'm gonna snot it to death." This usually occurs in the dead of night, when everyone is sound asleep, only to be awakened by a spastic jingling collar, pig-like snorting, and an amazing display of doggie flexibility as she somehow gets her nose to the top of her back. She nibbles at the phantom flea the way I eat my corn on the cob...if I were eating corn on the cob while blowing my nose on it.
They say that dog is man's best friend. But, apparently, 'man' hasn't spent a night in my house!
5 comments:
First of all WHY are you writing at 12:13 am? And B. How can you bad mouth doggie noises? I love any and every thing about dogs.........except actually owning one (or two). Sleep well.
Ah, yes. Dogs do get into their own jolies. The old joke, "Why do dogs lick their private parts?" Answer: "Because they can!" Cats are just so much more coy about it. And, they bend easier, so slurping is to a minimum. My question to you is, "Why do dogs pass so much gas and cats don't?" M
Hmmm. Let's see. A choice between BoeDee and Asia or listening to W and Condi. It's your decision...
My BeagleGirl has terrible allergies so she is always biting and sucking and gnawing on herself. And it gets on my nerves. To the point that I yell at her to make her stop doing it. So now...she goes to another room to hide and do it.
The slurping has always grated on my nerves. I make any dog around me stop. All other doggie activities are fine by me.
itchy -- I wouldn't have guessed that you'd get mad at your dogs for merely "itching" he he he
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