You know what I hate? Immigrants who come to America and start acting like they make the rules. They start conspiring, threatening our great nation, not following OUR rules. Maybe even go out to march for their rights -- piss a few Americans off in the meantime. Yes, if you haven't guessed it by now, I am speaking of THE ENGLISH. So, what, you are probably asking, have the English done to make me sooooooooo want to deport their blokey asses back to London? They VEER TO THE LEFT on any walking path known to man. Hello? We're in AMERICA now. Get over to the right, like the rest of us!
This morning, I woke up in a good mood and decided to take an early morning hike. My mirthful mood quickly gave way to a more cantankerous one when this course of events happened: I am tredging up a 45-degree hill (and who said this was fun?); it's 6 a.m. and already 90 degrees; a swarm of flies the size of golfballs are increasingly infatuated by my body's ripeness; and I pass about a dozen or so ENGLISH people coming the other direction and they are ON MY EFFING SIDE OF THE ROAD.
When I'm sweaty and hot and tired and being courted by flies, the last thing I need to worry about it changing my course up the mountain. Yet, each time one of these hateful little buggers challenges me in a right lane/left lane duel, I always cave first. Here's a little insight into the internal dialogue as I approach one of these rude bastards:
Another mother effer on the wrong side of the path. Must be English. I'm still 50 feet away. He'll get over. Won't he? Why isn't he? Rude idiot Prince William-loving asshole. GET OVER! This is my side. Hello? We're not in Liverpool anymore. Okay, I'm going to look down. Look down. Don't make eye contact. He'll think you're so wrapped up in your athleticism that you hardly even notice he's there. He'll let you have the right of way based on your brawn alone. Don't look up. Don't look up. Gosh, he's getting closer and he isn't moving over. Don't look up. So close. Ahhhhhhhhhh. You dumbass. Why'd you look up? Now he knows you know he's there. And he's willing to see this duel to the end. Well, guess what? I ain't moving over. This is my American-right to have this side. I am not moving over. Not moving over. Not...dammit. Why did I move over? I hate you, you scumbaggy Hugh Grant-loving, tea-drinking, biscuit-eating, Tony Blair-following ASS! &^%$# Oh, and another thing: **&^%$@#@. You *&%&%&%&* jerk. Eat &&^%$ and *&^%$$. Your momma is a &*^^%$$. (Audibly) Good Morning. How are you?
God: I am happy for my life and what you provide me. Thank you. I hate to be an ingrate, but I do have just one little, teensy, weensy complaint: WHY THE HELL DID YOU FORGET TO GIVE ME A BACKBONE?
p.s. Today is my birthday. Instead of a present, I'd like to ask that you send the link for this blog to 3 people who you think might enjoy it. (Perhaps even some ENGLISH PEOPLE in need of American etiquette training.) Oh, and a comment once in awhile might be nice, you selfish bastards!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
12 comments:
Was just passing through. Great blog! You are hysterical!
Im English, I hate Hugh Grant, and Tony Blair is a hideous goblin really. IF you try hard enough, he doesnt exist.
Happy Birthday! I passed this on to 3 people and they loved it. Enjoy your day!
Happy Birthday! I'm definitely going to pass this along. I literally laugh out loud when I read your entries...and now my cubie thinks I'm insane!
meander drew me here. very funny, although i've been at the other end of the stick in japan...they probably think: "effing american".
btw - i'm north of america.
Happy Birthday.....Hope your day is going a little better, Honey, don't mind the English, you know they have bad teeth, that's probably all they can think about while hiking. Keep up th "entertainment" love it.
how could you tell they were English (other than the left-side walking)?
Ms. Choenf,
Other than the lefty walking, there is no other reason for my stereotyping and predjudice of the English. It just made for a more interesting post. Indeed, they were probably not English at all. p.s. Every day is "American" day on 'whatih8.blogspot.com' I really needed to share the wealth with some other nations. Thanks for your comment :)
OK, I left you several cool comments and found out that none went on based on some ridiculous need to type the crazy letters into a box. Too tired to do them again. M
I stilll think you need to adopt the kevin method. I live in a ghetto and there are a number gansta types who walk side-by-side so that others are forced to walk around them.
I pretend to look at the sky ormy fingernails and if they don't move (which they don't) I walk right into them and keep going. They yell and threaten.
There are also kids who leave bikes sitting in the middle of the sidewalks. I also walk right intot hem sending them hurling down into the grass.
The kevin method also works on English people too although I don't think I have tried it yet.
You'll probably never read this, but I'm English and I don't drink tea, I hate Tony Blair, I used to hate Hugh Grant but am coming to terms with him as he moves away from bumbling-idiot roles, and who doesn't eat biscuits?!
Of course it goes without saying that most English feel the same way about Americans abroad. However, we are able to console ourselves with the fact that we get to see the least ignorant of Americans. We can only imagine what the 70% (or whatever the figure is) without passports would be like!
For the record, I love America and the "American dream" ideal, so I'm not dissing you or your compatriots. Just returning the kindness. ;-)
Found you via Meander.
Happy Belated Birthday, your present has already been delivered (comment AND blog link forwarding). So hilarious, and you're much more too kind to the clueless than you are pretend unkind to the English.
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