Come On Out

You know what I hate? Homosexuals afraid to come out of the closet. I mean, come on. It's the 21st Century. And it's America. Other than the fact that the majority of the nation wants to ban your constitutional rights and the fact that you might get beaten to a bloody pulp if you try to enter a bar anywhere in the midwest -- other than that, we Americans are pretty tolerant of alternative lifestyles.

I know I can't possibly understand the emotional distress of coming out. I'm sure it's not easy. But to be in the closet for 10, 20, even 30 years? That's a bit excessive, don't you think?

I'm going to do something very radical right now. Yes, I'm going to do a public "outing." I know it's not my business, but this particular individual's obvious "same-sex" tendencies are too much to overlook any longer. I've kept his secret for the majority of my life and I can no longer do it. I think this is what he wants. It's out of his hands now.

If his mother is reading this, I apologize you had to find out this way....

I'm sorry Ronald. I had to do it. I got my kids a Happy Meal the other day and there you were, taunting me with your gayness. Like the serial killer who drops clues for the police cause he wants to be caught, I believe you flaunted yourself on that Happy Meal box so that I would 'out' you. I think it's what you wanted. I hope it's what you wanted.

I can't understand why you have never had the strength to do it yourself? Might it be that McDonald's wouldn't appreciate an alternative mascot? Might you have noticed that as soon as Tinky Winky announced his preference for other "winkies," his show conveniently went off the air?

I hope this doesn't impact your career. My apologies if it does. However, as a peace offering, there's someone I'd like you to meet. I think you'll get along famously. And he's a real nut!