But I can't eat them much anymore. Why? Because of Fear. Fear of exploding biscuits to be more exact. Given that I'm an aspiring writer, let me see if I can translate this fear into a simile for you: Holding a can of biscuits is like holding a live grenade. I've had cans of biscuits detonate in my fridge and I'll be cleaning dough carnage out of the rim of my Diet Coke cans for months. I'm sorry, but this FREAKIN FRIGHTENS ME.
Is it just me, or has the gravitational pull inside of the biscuit cans of this century become more powerful? I could actually open a can of biscuits circa 1989/90 without much memory of it, but nowadays, I start sweating profusely, having panic attacks, feeling my right ventricle tighten.
Call me a baby if you must, but I'll point out that it's not just my imagination. My fear is legitimized by a very large caution message on the back of the biscuit can. "To ensure safety while opening," it says, "always point can ends away from you and others."
Let me put it another way: "if you like that left eye, PUT THE BISCUIT OOZIE DOWN!!!!!!!!"
You think I have it bad, think about the eldery population. Unfortunately, many-a-senior has passed on shortly after opening a "Big N Flaky." Coincidence? You be the judge. I found the following on the Internet (I swear):Even opening a packet of biscuits can be a major struggle for an elderly person; the Institute of Grocery Distribution report that 42% of the elderly people they interviewed found biscuit packets difficult or impossible to open.
Rather than tinkering with an obstinate biscuit can, these seniors need to REJOICE! You're alive, Grandma! Praise the Lord!
For the others not as lucky, well, I have to ask: How many more lives are going to be complicated, or perhaps lost, due to the poor and selfish packaging of Pillsbury? I say it's time to BOYCOTT BISCUITS. Will you join me? Here are some picket slogans if you're interested:
"Hell no, we (don't) want dough"
"Guns don't kill people. Biscuits kill people."
"Make love. Not war. Or Biscuits."
"Impeach the Doughboy."
7 comments:
(Aiming a package of biscuits at your face): Just keep these hilarious posts coming and neither you nor your family will get hurt.
Thanks for the laughs. You're good!
I think if you lay the biscuit can on the counter (on its side) as you unroll it, it will pop and not "explode".....Please keep the children out of the kitchen when it's biscuit makin' time. We want them to grow up normal. Love Ya.
But I love the dough boy! Except when he got all large and killed people in ghost busters.
You know that bisquits are made by Al Qaida don't you?
With corporations continuously striving for greater efficiencies, it's no wonder they are trying to squeeze biscuits into smaller tubes so they can ship more product per box.
I too used to be scared of the explosion when I was into biscuits. Even though you know it's coming, it still is a unpleasant shock when it happens, like getting a shot at the doctor.
I think you're on to a new plot for the next season of 24. Nerve gas in biscuit packages. First the terrorists must embark on a nationwide ad compaign to increase the biscuit market penetration enough to cause massive casualties.
WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (the actual AP headline)
Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her inlaws, and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange.
He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour. The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.
First, I wasn't afraid of opening biscuits...but now I am. Gah!
Second, Pillsbury sells them in freezer packets now that you just cut open and then throw 'em in the oven. No pressure, no lost eyes.
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