Invasion of Privacy

You know what I hate? SPAM. Not the meat. It is actually pretty yummy not to mention the fact that it's the only meat that can be cut with a cheese slicer. No, I'm referring to EMAIL spam. I didn't used to hate it when it was innocent, trying to get you to buy certain things, try certain things, look at naked people doing it, etc.

But lately, SPAMMERS have gone too far. My privacy is being compromised! Spammers now know me personally. I think they've set up hidden cameras in my home. Are they protected under the Patriot Act? I just don't know. What I DO know is that they know my full name, my ancestry (something about an uncle I didn't know existed who died and left me his entire estate -- I just need to give his lawyer all my bank and credit card info and it's a done deal), what city I live in and what types of things I tend to purchase.

And recently, well.... ummmmm..... they have unscrupulously gone and broadcast a very embarrassing hygeinic problem that I suffer from. How do they know? Is my toilet seat tapped? Not sure, but here's the email that came today to prove that my privacy has indeed been exploited.

I've been outed. Yes, for the love of God, I have POOP PROBLEMS. OKAY? Are you all happy now? What, is the next email going to mention something about a "curious itch." I mean, nevermind. Forget I mentioned it. I gotta go. I have my metamucil smoothie on the blender.