You know what I hate? Layers. More specifically, the fragility and precision of getting layers just right. I learned from a very early age that layers provide hair with lift. And lift, as we all know, detracts from a fat face. So, you're probably wondering why I hate layers if they are such a great panacea to my meaty mug. Well, too many layers can have an opposite effect. And before you know it, you have very little hair left and you're sporting a Pat Benetard. I got a Pat Benetard the other day at Toni & Guy. I know -- that place isn't cheap. Tell me about it. Why, then, when I asked my stylist to start my layers an inch from my crown, didn't she warn me of the impending doom? That's a great question.
I would like to see a sign posted in hair salons that reads: "As a general rule of thumb, if you are seeking a distance of more than 12-inches between your top and bottom layer, then you don't need a haircut as much as you need Jenny Craig."
This would save us fatties from exacerbating our bloated visages with Pat Benetards. It's difficult to style a Pat Benetard. That top layer -- the one that is only an inch from the crown -- gets all unruly. It takes on a crew-cut attitude -- more up than down -- and pretty soon your blow dryer has given you a square rim around your head. Voila! You're suddenly Fred Flinstone! So, you start smoothing it back down into place and you are actually happy to return to the stoner-esque Pat Benetard.
I really blame the stylists. Even though it's hard to hear it from a stylist, it is their cosmetological responsibility to lead us away from bad haircuts. I once had a stylist who told me my face was too "full" to pull off the cute bob picture that I was holding in my hand. I think I cried all the way home. And I'm pretty sure I never returned to her. But she fulfilled her responsibility. When a 300-pound woman comes in holding a picture of Kate Moss, someone needs to save her!
I'm learning to live with my Pat Benetard. The other day I feathered it and pretended I was Kristi McNichols in "Little Darlins." It was a blast. I also fluffed up my top layer and ran around the house yelling "yabba dabba doooooooooo." Who would have thought that the Pat Benetard would provide me with so much entertainment?
5 comments:
What can I say Vicki... Love is a Battle Field.
OK...you HAVE to post a picture to the blog...I gotta see this hair style!!
I loved Kristi McNichols in "Little Darlins." I agree with anonymous #1, you have to post a picture.
Vic, don't post your picture. Let them keep wondering. I can't relate with your layers. When I have layers they turn into corkscrews. Ah, the luxury of having curly hair due to each hair having to screw itself out of my hard head! M
I think I'm getting to be a five finger in my old age! That's part of the reason why I asked my stylist for some bangs.
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