1)
I found this in my Trader Joe's pickle jar a few days ago. There is no photo editing done on this thing -- promise. This is a little more than coincidental considering my last blog dealt with my sensitivity to certain visual features, textures and smells of food. I think the fate gods are messing with me. Now, before you go having a good laugh at my expense, I urge you to stop being so insensitive. I mean, come on, some poor frog is now without his scrotum and all you can think to do is laugh that it turned up in my pickle jar? Shame on you!
2)
I challenge any person alive to figure out how to use these new Costco 'twist-ties' that they put on their bagels. Tear where? Twist what? These things are worthless! Basically, here's what happened: some conservative, Bush-loving MBA student came to the Costco CEO and said, "sir, I have an idea. If we do away with the standard 1-inch wire twist ties, we'll save .000000004 cents per bag of bagels. This equates to 8 trillion dollars per year." (because NO savings is insignificant when you're moving Costco volumes!) Then the Costco CEO says, "But, what will we replace the wire dealies with?" and the MBA kid says, "with a piece of tape. We'll write 'Tear Twist' on it and people will fiddle with it and get really irritated. Eventually, they'll lop the entire top of the bag off, out of desparation, and the 80-pack of bagels will be hard as a rock within 24 hours. They'll come back and buy even more." I bet that idiot MBA kid got a raise. Well, it's time we stop being such naive consumers. I'm going to start a picket line in front of Costco to bring back the twist ties. If we don't, then what's next? No lid on the mouthwash? No plastic wrap around the 24-pack of T-Bone steaks? No shopping bags by which to carry your 300 pounds of unnecessary shi&*& out of the store? Oh wait -- that's already the case. Well, at any rate, DOWN WITH COSTCO!!!!!!!
3) 
This is a beautiful Christmas present pin for my step mother-in-law. Unfortunately, my idiot dog ate up the box and wrapping. My husband found it in the middle of our backyard. Now I'll have to take it out of the box and put it in a plastic baggie and she'll surely think it came from the Family Dollar. There's 30 bucks down the drain. By the way, I looked online for some rescue organizations specializing in retarded dogs, but couldn't find any. If anyone knows of one, please let me know.
4)
My little pip-squeak nephew told me about this shirt on Christmas Day. "What are you insinuating" I asked him. He had that look of pity on his face. Come on, people! I can't have my 16-year-old nephew who has never even kissed a girl taking pity on me. That's downright pathetic. However, if the shoe fits.... Is anyone reading this thing?
9 comments:
Vicki, Vicki, Vicki...Of course we all read your blog. This one is really funny. By the way which of the dogs is retarded this week? My money is on Asia. "Happy" New Year. Love ya.
I have to say you are a hoot! I passed this blog on to some of my friends (the 35+ crowd) and they agree with everything you have to say. I love the graphic that shows how you see bananas. I keep checking back to see if you have any new stories. Curious to see if I ever pissed you off. You can start with people who don't sign their names and put everything under Anonymous!
I'm going to buy you that shirt. What size do you want?
Roland reads your blog but Jolie can't because the content is PG-13.
Just so you know, PG-13 means: "Parents Strongly Cautioned. Some material may be inappropriate for children under 13. This signifies that the film rated may be inappropriate for pre-teens. Parents should be especially careful about letting their younger children attend."
Anonymous #1 -- thanks for coming back to look for new stories. I'm flattered. However, if this is the work of my own mother or mother-in-law inventing some faux "fan mail" so I don't overdose on Tylenol because nobody reads my blog, then I'm gonna be really, really mad!
Anonymous #2 (aka Julie) -- I'll take a Large.
Hi BrickWall - I read your blog. Do you really think your 16 year old nephew has really never kissed a girl? Maybe he is too busy studying so he can go to college, get his MBA, and get a job at Costco designing easy open twisties.
Some day you can write about all of the instructions and labels written in 2 point font. Next time you are on vacation tell me how you managed to ever figure out which small Holiday Inn bottle is the shampoo and which is the lotion before you jump glassesless into the shower. BC
OK, I haven't opened my bottle of pickles from Trader Joe's. I wonder what creature's private parts I might have. I will have to wait to a really dull moment to open them and investigate. I truly believe your 16 year old nephew hasn't kissed a girl yet. Hasn't he had a 1958 Pontiac Grill in his mouth since he was 6?
And, I think Asia knew that wasn't a $30 present and wanted to destroy the Tiffany box you were trying to pass it off in. Shame on you.
If you want to try hard to open try this - open a tylenol bottle with your toes. That is what it is like when you have arthritis in your fingers! And, no I am not old. Love you. M
Head on!
I hate how liquid hand soap always has to look like semen. I never feel clean after using it.
What the hell is that spleen thing from the pickle jar ???
I'm reading this thing. Just found it yesterday after you left a comment on Joy Unexpected--your comment was so funny I had to click on your name and I'm so glad I did. Hilarious blog, I'm enjoying reading your archives.
Um, are you reading comments on old entries?
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