Geriatric Grocery Affair

You know what I hate? Seniors day at Fry's Grocery Stores. I never knew there was a seniors day until yesterday, when I stumbled into the establishment for some much needed food items. I should have heeded to my keen sensibilities when I entered the parking lot and noticed that every handicapped space was taken and that, in general, there were an overabundance of Cadillacs and Lincoln Town Cars. But onward I went, thinking to myself, "how crowded could it be on a Wednesday morning?"

When you're talking about seniors, the quantity isn't as important as the quality. One low quality senior is the spatial equivalent to 3 normal quality people (unless they have a cane, which is a 3.2 equiavalent). Let me explain: low quality seniors are aisle sprawlers. They park their carts in the center of the aisle, then stand on either side of it to casually read ingredients -- out loud! This not only causes a gridlock in front and back of them, but creates a faux commotion that draws the attention of the other low quality seniors, which brings me to my next point: low quality seniors create pandemonium in already crowsed aisles. This is a real phenomenon -- and if you don't believe it, test it out some Wednesday morning. What happens, is the low quality seniors see that people are congregating around a certain food item. They don't realize it's a traffic jam caused by one of their own. They are thinking only of that measly social security check and how whatever item is creating such a hubbub must be really, really cheap! What ensues is an aisle-bursting brouhaha that fills my heart with, what.... that's right -- with HATE!

This brings me to my next point: you can't be rude to a senior. I think most humans are genetically programmed to feel this way. That's why when you become checkmated into a corner by a low quality senior, you just smile and patiently wait. I saw a lot of innocent Wednesay morning shoppers roadblocked in by low quality seniors yesterday. Most people are too nice to even say "excuse me," not that it always helps. You'd expect an aisle-sprawling senior who eventually realizes she's created a 100-foot backup to get embarrassed and step aside. Not the low quality seniors. They own the world, remember? They've been on this Earth longer than you and your parents combined and they have earned the right to do whatever the hell they want. I love this attitude, but at my age, I'd never get away with it. I'd probably get shot within a month. I am counting the days until I'm 65, though. Forget about the 10% discount at Denny's -- I'm much more excited to rule the world like the low quality seniors that were irritating me so much yesterday.

I was so happy to finally get my groceries and leave Fry's. Because of the unusually high traffic within the aisles, I had only 10 minutes to get to the school to pick up my kids -- it would be a stretch, but I could just drive fast. Except...what's that? Oh yes, it's a Lincoln Towncar in front of me going 25 MPH -- and it appears to be driving itself! You know what I'm talking about -- the "headless" driver phenomenon that, when you were a kid, you hoped was either a magic car driving on its own or a freak of nature headless wonder let out of the asylum long enough to take a quick joy ride. You'd beg your dad to catch up to it, but when you finally came parallel to it, your imagination deflated as you realized the car was being driven by a 43-inch grannie who could barely reach the pedal. Yeah, you remember.

Before you go thinking I'm ageist and mean, remember that I have grandparents who I love. They are pretty cool old farts, and I sincerely doubt they're aisle cloggers. So, I would place them into the high quality senior category. But, they are getting older, and that sense of ownership over the world might just explode at any time. I won't begrudge them what they've earned -- I'll just smile and wait patiently as Grandma reads me the ingredients from the back of the Ritz cracker box.