Please Read: HIGHEST PRIORITY

You know what I hate? Anything labeled with a “high priority.” Sending me items of “High Priority” should be reserved for the following situations:

1. Your vijayjay is 10cm dilated and a baby is descending from it. And for some reason you need my help.
2. You are dying. And for some reason you need my help.
3. You are my grandma and don’t know what the fuck you’re doing on email.

For ALL other situations, I am not a fan of “high priority,” such as this lame email request that came to me at work the other day. Yes, I did blur out names. Why? Because I use words like “vijayjay” in combination with work-related stuff and I really can’t afford to get fired. There is always that chance that a little fat IT guy is surfing the net looking for employees who are writing blogs slandering my company. I just can’t be sure.

Nevertheless, lots of things at my company are given a “high priority” label. Have you ever heard of a “training emergency?” When I first heard that, I thought maybe a computer screen had exploded on a new hire and that LCD shrapnel had split this poor trainee’s face in two! But in reality, a “training emergency” includes any type of written documentation that is sent out with….gasp…a typo!!!! Urgent team huddles? Don’t exist. Important company memo? Oxymoron.

Labeling an email with “High Priority” – especially when the email is terribly benign and lame – is an egotistical action. I will decide what’s high priority to me. And, hint-hint, it probably ain’t gonna be anything that comes through on my work email. And it’s especially not going to be your request for relocation benefits.

So, if you really want my urgent attention, you need to either start choking on a crust of bread or spread your legs and start pushing. Otherwise, I’ll get to you when I get to you.