You know what I hate? Women's magazines. I am a subscriber to a couple of them for one reason or another. Some I got free; some as gifts. I read them from cover to cover so that I can realize what a zit-faced, sexually incompetent, frizzy haired, poor dressing fatty two by four I am. Come on -- you know it's true. You read those magazines and realize that you're doing EVERYTHING wrong. You thought you could apply eye liner right after 20 years? You moron -- you CAN'T. But thankfully, Redbook is there to teach you how.
You know what really bugs me about these women's magazines? That they are pretty much exclusively about men. It's as if all we females care about is learning more about our alternative species. I don't know about you, but I don't sit around all day thinking, "I wonder what my husband REALLY thinks of these thighs" or "I wonder how I can make my husband even more horny." Bleck!
This month in Redbook, there is a lovely feature on "what your husband is really thinking when you're having sex." I don't know about you, but I don't give a rat's ass what he's thinking. I just know I want him to think it fast so I can un-pause my TiVo'd Little House on the Prairie rerun.
How come men's magazines aren't filled with crap about women? Oh, that's right. CAUSE THEY WOULDN'T BUY IT. This is one area where I give men some credit. They know what they like, and they are always sure to fill their magazines up with this stuff. Men's magazines have stuff like boobs and guns and golf. All the stuff men actually like. Do you think men would buy magazines that made them question themselves as much as women's magazines do? Let me draft up some teasers and let you be the judge.
HOW TO MAKE YOUR PENIS LOOK LARGER
...cause you can't make love for shit and you need something in your favor
CHECK OUT THE LATEST RUBBER CELEBRITY MASKS
...cause your wife is tired of looking at your ugly ass face
INCREASE YOUR EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE
...to as high as a third grade level with these easy tips
THE MYSTERY OF THE G SPOT
...You idiot. You actually thought you found it?
LEARNING TO LISTEN
...cause you are one dumb asshole and everyone's tired of hearing you talk
Now, I ask you: would a man buy a magazine like this? NO. He wouldn't. So why do we women buy magazines that make us doubt ourselves? Magazines that promote our insecurities? Magazines that prey on our low self esteems? Well, I really think it's time to...if you've been reading this blog faithfully you know what I'm going to say here...it's time to BOYCOTT lame women's magazines. Bon voyage, Redbook. Hasta La Vista, Cosmo. Toodle-doo Women's Day. The bonfire in my backyard is just about ready.
5 comments:
Well I guess I could boycott my women's mags but how will I ever find out what Kelly Ripa doesn't her parents to know about her sex life? or how to handle "RUDE RELATIVES" Who will help me? Love your blog and love you....Catlover
Hello,
You wouldn't, I hope, object to some alternatives to Redbook? Try some Simone de Beauvoir, Robin Morgan, or Betty Friedan. Our current culture provides a few alternatives in its waiting rooms. Oprah's O may suit. The New Yorker works for me too.
Toni
just stick to books Vicki, you and I both know they are much more appealing than these magazines.
I beg to differ regarding penises. Men are obssessed with the size of their members. Men's magazines could feature a main story each issue on girth, and they would sell like hotcakes.
You are right that women's zines are designed to make you feel bad so that when you turn the next page, lo and behold, there is an advertiser with something for you to buy and feel better.
Then again, zines have to appeal to a wide audience so you go for the lowest COMMON denominator. And how much could you possibly have to tell the common folk? Not much so you commission writers to rework tired material and create new sensationalist fodder.
Reminded me of Baz Luhrman's Sunscreen song.
"Don't read beauty magazines they will only make you feel ugly."
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